sleepless in sweden

I lie awake at a ripe three am, perfectly and soundly awake. 

I've been up since eleven thirty pm. I went through five different time zones in the past eight days. I woke up in four different countries. I walked close to forty five miles exploring new and interesting places. I sat on the side of a serene lake in Norway. I adventured on Khao San Road, The Weekend Market, Wat Poh Temple and The Grand Palace in Bangkok. As for Sweden? In Sweden, I lie awake.

Being a long haul flight attendant is so vastly different from being with a regional US carrier. Instead of working twenty five minute to four hour flights, and six legs a day, my flight time is eight to thirteen hours with three hundred and forty four souls to serve. I get to sleep on the plane during a "crew rest" period, instead of struggling to stay awake on our fifth leg of the day. Instead of barely getting ten hours of rest, I securely get twenty four to fifty hours of layover time. And maybe the best part? Instead of being in Redmond, Billings, Kelowna, or maybe Bellingham for layovers--I'm in Norway, Sweden, Thailand, or occasionally Italy. 

And if you're anything like me, not likely but, I had this wanderlusty view of what my life would become with this new glamorous job of mine. That by moving to a new place, starting a job that I couldn't quite believe was real and by starting something new--just like that my problems would melt away. That because I willed it all to be better, it would be. And the truth? I do have a new dreamy job, that I still can't quite believe to be true; I moved 1,111 miles away from my home in Seattle; I started everything from scratch; but the problems that existed and are rooted in my life...ya, those are still there. 

Because, somehow, you can change just about everything about your life, but that doesn't exactly mean that your roots are going to just to shrivel away in the dirt. In fact, that's sometimes when they hold on the strongest.

I've learned in the weeks that I've had on the beach in California, the sun in Thailand and the many sleepless nights between San Diego and Stockholm, that sleepless nights look the same no matter your destination.

I may get a beautiful picture of a temple, a weekend market, or a monument, but at the end of the day when I can't sleep because my head is buzzing with things thousands of miles away...am I winning any more than the Virginia that couldn't sleep in Redmond? Bozeman? Calgary? Minneapolis? Has anything really changed at all?

I think that maybe only time will be able to change the things that I hoped would happen in the snap of my fingers, or in the move of a thousand miles, or a new job and new scenery

But at the end of the day, I did change a lot about my life, a lot is still ever changing. But what does it mean if you're still having sleepless nights when you feel like you've done all you can do? Personally, I think that it means that I know I am changing, I'm moving forward with a purpose. That I can feel it, see it and am a witness to my own self experiencing it all; it's slow, like a wave rolling into the ocean, but one moment soon it will crash onto the sand in a harmonious sound that brings a melodious moment of peace.

Until then, I'm gonna lie here and be a witness to my own roots growing in new directions; sleepless in Sweden.