now what or what now?
What now? What if your world gets hit? What if your world is turned upside down?
I was driving to work today at the age old and ripe 2:30am. As I drove I listened to a podcast from an old friend. And it felt, just as most podcasts do, as if it were meant for me to be listening. I felt conflicted, I felt empowered, I felt...confused. All before I reached my employee lot two hours later and all before 5 in the morning.
I was sitting in my employee lot at 4:27am, it was dark outside, I was sitting in my heels, nylons, pencil skirt and scarf tied around my neck and a tear rolling down my cheek. I realize I should have turned the podcast off about twenty minutes ago, because then I hear this:
what now?
maybe you lost your job? yep, one way or another I did that.
maybe a fear of losing your job? yep, 6 months of probation, reserve,
changing schedules, life as an early on flight attendant = life on eggshells.
sickness struck your family? yes, greatly.
you're facing a certain calamity? a little thing I like to call 2017.
maybe you're stuck with a huge car repair bill? thank you, 2017 Jeep Cherokee.
or you experienced a falling out with a friend(s)? life is hard, so are friendships.
how do you move forward? *blank space in Virginia's head*
Ouch. At this point I was laughing out loud in my car, willing myself to stop crying.
I heard the all too familiar sound of the busses brakes rounding the corner, I wiped off the rolling tear, touched up my lipstick and rolled my suitcase onto the bus full of pristine flight attendants polished with winter coats and gloves and proper pilots in their fancy caps and blazers with four stripes. Then there was me, my uniform showing wrinkles from the two hour drive and Auggie May's hair randomly appearing, my hair and rubbed off mascara reflecting the fact that I'd been up since 1am, even my luggage is limp and sideways compared to the other flight attendants. Could I do nothing right?
Let me tell you, 5 am is not the time to be pondering all the life things in full weight. However in the flight attendant life that I find myself walking in, quite literally surrounded by currently, I find that nothing about my schedule, about my eating habits, about my workout routine, my coffee intake--none of it is normal. Therefore why should my emotions and life evolving thoughts be any different?
In other words, I have absolutely no control over when these emotions, hunger pains, lack of workout motivation (this one may not be directly connected to being a flight attendant...), and my lack of ability to plan on anything tend to be out of my hands, because as a flight attendant my schedule (also my life is how it seems somedays) are in Crew Schedulings hands.
Which is exactly what I realized 5 hours later, sitting in my jumpseat, trying to calm myself down enough to read off my next announcement, thankful it was still dark in the cabin, as I cried in my jumpsuit. My brain kept replaying the words of my friend, pulling my thoughts to situations, days, memories related to each and every word that hit me so hard. It felt like PTSD. Sending series of chills running down my back.
We thank you for joining us this morning, a special welcome to our mileage plan members and those of you who have...
Phew it came out, shaky and sounded like I had a cold, but nonetheless it came out.
The question posed by my morning podcast was embedded in my head, what now? After you've gone through something, after you've experienced something extreme or life altering...what now? How do you pick yourself up? How do you get back up around the shambles that surround you. The more I thought about it, there more I found myself mad and upset. I didn't realize until after my second flight, mid service, 30,000 feet above where I heard the question, why I was upset.
I didn't know the answer.
I didn't even know where or how to begin the thought process of what now. Instead, I realized, that I had been asking myself now what instead of what now. You may see the same two questions just in a different order, but read those aloud real quick for me...if you're anything like me, now what comes out as a nagging and pessimistic, what, what could the world possibly want from me now? And reading what now, comes out as a light, where am I, how do I move on? (If you read it and don't get this same experience, it's okay, I'm on my fifth cup of coffee today, so essentially my hands are shaking over the keyboard and are probably making up random tidbits as they go. But for this blogs sake, let's just take this thought a little further and pretend it makes a little bit, if any, sense.)
Again, I sadly can't answer that question for my lost job, fearfully working at a temporary job, my family issues, my new Rav4 slammed by a Jeep Cherokee, the relationship challenged person I am, a 2017 calamity struck self. Partly, I feel like the reason I can't answer, is because there isn't quite a right answer, let alone an easy one. Like I said before, I don't know if my old friend could have imagined that I would be able to strike a checkmark over every box next to his questions...but I did and I was able to and I'm still standing.
If you're reading this and you were able to put checks next to them all as well or if even you were able to check off one box, instead of preaching to you how it's going to get better, how everything is going to be okay, and how I know that your story, maybe your 2017, was going to get better; instead of that, I want to leave you with this, my personal (not necessarily right) take on what now.
Life is an uncertain thing that we hold. The minute we think we hold any certainty, any amount of steadiness, or any clear voice that tells us how life is going to be---those are the moments we look out through the peephole and are met with Mister Uncertainty knocking at our doors. He's a mean little booger who doesn't wait for you to open the door, instead invites himself in. He likes to sit down over a cup of coffee to tell us that we are fragile, we are evolving creatures, learning and growing, never reaching the finish line. We sit there, sipping a, now cold, cup of coffee, taking it, because we know he's right. But what we tend to forget in those thirty minutes of coffee with Mister Uncertainty is that Miss Confidence is coming over tomorrow for a nice glass of Cabernet and dessert. Miss Confidence is an old friend, we don't get together often enough, but every time we do she reminds us that we may be fragile, but we are stronger for every time we're broken; that we may be evolving, but it's always for the better; that even though learning and growing sucks some days (even those days that turn into weeks or months); that we grow sometimes at a pace too quick for the shape we're in, but growing helps push us to see what's waiting for us around the next bend; and never reaching the finish line...well that's the best reward, can you imagine crossing that thing, waiting, just to find that everyone else isn't coming?
You see, we're friends with both Mister Uncertainty and Miss Confidence, we need them both in our life. Some coffee dates are longer with Mister Uncertainty, me and him are practically family at this point, but Miss Confidence comes with a bottle of wine when I least expect it giving me advice to help me keep pushing on. My personal favorite in 2017 is when their paths cross, talk about a picture for the family album.
So, now what or what now...I don't know. But I can say that this question, the words of a thirty three minute podcast, will stick with me the last forty-nine days of 2017. I can also say that in true flight attendant fashion, I couldn't have imagined I would be writing this the same day that I woke up at one am for work; sitting up at two am, twenty five hours later, in Calgary, sitting on a chair, staring out at the snow and drinking a mug full of hot peppermint tea with my good friend Miss Quintessential. But she's a story for another day.
