k e e p i n g s c o r e
Just yesterday I was standing in the lav of our plane, gloves on, a headband around my nose, with essential oils doused inside, and nothing on hand to clean up a very unflattering situation up at forty one thousand feet, twelve people waiting to use the restroom on the other side. No amount of Pam (if you know, you know) or air freshener spray would make a difference. As I stood there trying to figure out what to do, I thought to myself sarcastically--"okay, but how much more of this do I have? I've had to do these unglamorous, non job description things so many times I lost count when I had someone throw up in my galley sink in flight, twice. So, haven't I earned my spot?" I thought this, and despite the unpleasantry that surrounded me, I stopped and chuckled to myself.
Why am I counting situations like someday I get to cash them in for a prize like the Game of Life we played as kids? Like life owes me more than what I'm receiving daily? So, you've earned fifty life bucks this week please choose from the two options; finding a luxury apartment for a steal and saving oodles of money on rent per month or you can advance five spaces and get a bonus at work for doing a superb job (*in my very best game host voice*). Knowing full and well that life is not a game, I did my job, because these untold scenarios are in fine invisible print in the flight attendant life contract. I then walked out with my head held high, with a smile on my face--okay, maybe smile is a strong word here, let's be real, that wasn't pretty, fun or enjoyable. In the busyness of the next three hours of flight, with twelve people drinking heavily, I continued to think about this idea of "keeping score". What else have I secretly been keeping tally of in the back of my head? That the unflatteries of my job will some day cash in to a big, random promotion that doesn't exist? That me putting heart and soul into a welcome table for my passengers will magically make them like me--or even better request me for future flights? What about the one that could be worst of all--counting the days and hours away from home that this job requires and just hoping someday that means it will lead to every aspect of my life that I don't have time for now to just fall into place, slowly like a floating feather on a breezeless day.
I do realize that many of us may do this without realizing--as you are an assistant long waiting a desired promotion as you fetch green juice, dry cleaning and Pria the dog from doggy day care; maybe as you sit between temp jobs, hoping one sticks, living off the bare minimum as you do, knowing in your gut one day something magical will pop up; or you're working hard at your job where you're on top, there's no where else to be promoted, but you find yourself counting the tasks, the accomplishments, the firings, the meetings, wondering when it will feel normal and not like you're waiting for something to go wrong.
There are so many ways that you could be keeping score without realizing it, I found that I sure am, and I have a self entitled time line for myself that is delusional. Don't get me wrong--I am so an advocate for speaking your truth, believing you can do things and reach for things as long as you put in the work--those are goals and I am so fond of them. The delusion that I am speaking to is this made up reward system in my head. Of me deserving things because I've scrubbed a toilet with just a pair of gloves and a clorox wipe at forty one thousand feet, or had garbage juice spilt all over my uniform approximately five times a week, or the fact that having food thrown at you by a passenger so many times will somehow karmically come back to me. What is that? That's not how I was raised--that is not what I believe in my core, but somehow I sit here telling you--or maybe more so, telling myself in a very public way--that doing the shit work doesn't always mean that a magical fairy god mother moment will bippity-boppity-boo you into a dream life.
In my bones I know that I'm where I'm at now because of hard work, elbow grease, and determination...even the, maybe a little "bippity" was present in getting me here, because some days it still doesn't add up--but remember, we are not keeping score anymore. To be honest, I would be lying if I said, I won't still have these thoughts of "if I do X, Y, and Z then maybe [insert fairy godmother-esque moment]", because, sometimes my job has me on top of the world at a luxurious destination, and then somedays I almost have to believe that someone is keeping score and realize I've overdone my strikes on the sheet and I'll have an amazing and beautiful award waiting when I land in Teterboro. At the end of the day I know that there are blessings and curses in the day to day of work, life, and all the in between. To be even more honest, there's no need to keep score when you love your job--even better, if you love your life. So, a challenge for you (and for me) is to see what we're keeping score of in life, is it worth it? Is it worth diminishing the work you've done to get this far? To be here and present in the fact you get to be? I'm beginning to think that the real "bippity-boppity-boo" moments of life are the moments you get somewhere you never thought you would be, but you realize you did that; you did something that you could have never imagined accomplishable by yourself--and maybe that's the real magic we're all waiting on, to see what we can surprise ourself with next. In reality that's what we should be keeping score of, how many times we can do things we don't think were possible.
